Wednesday, July 28, 2004

At kitchen tables across the U.S., mothers wonder, “Damn! Was that me he was talkin’ about?”

Tonight, as they celebrate in that hall, somewhere in North America, there is a man. This man is sitting on his couch and he is sceptical. He is sceptical and he is worried. He is worried and then he is cringing a little. He is cringing at the words of a Democratic candidate for Vice President. A candidate who has some fine hair, but is delivering the lamest speech he has ever heard. The man keeps sticking his thumb in front of the candidate's face and imaging that Bill Clinton is up there again being smart and funny and charming. But it's hard to put a thumb in front of the candidate's face and two fingers in one's ears at the same time. Yet, tell the man not to worry: Dope is on the Way.

And when it comes, the man can smoke the dope in his badly-furnished basement apartment. And then, he will perhaps relax for a minute. Because he really needs to relax. Because it looks like the people who are challenging George W. Bush and Dick Cheney for the leadership of the alleged Free World are not articulate, passionate people. Nope. They are kind of boring. And, as previously mentioned, kinda lame. He cannot believe that these are the best the Democrats could come up with. Yes, he is worried because: Dopes are on the Way.

This man is me. And, alas, he doesn’t really smoke dope. Well, there was that time that he was in Vancouver on vacation. But that was one of those, when in Rome, etcetera, etcetera things. Normally, he does not. Especially not tonight, because it is a work night. No, the only thing he has in his house that rhymes with ‘Hope’ is soap. So, maybe he’ll have a shower before he goes to bed, to wash that icky four-more-years-of-that-horrible-Bush-is-on-the-way feeling off of his body, to wash that Dick Cheney right out of his hair. That’s a good idea: Soap is on the way.

After the shower, the man will lie awake in his bed all night trying to sleep. Trying to believe that John Edwards and John Kerry will somehow save the world even though they are about as interesting to watch as spectator Scrabble. Trying to believe that Edwards was right. Trying to believe that, indeed: Hope is on the Way.


Here's the full text of John Edwards' speech.

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