Wednesday, August 02, 2006

An actual conversation about the heat

S- It's hot.
K- It's friggin hot.
S- It's really friggin hot.
K- Man, oh man, is it ever hot, eh?
S- It's so hot, I want to take my clothes off.
K- It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk.
S- It's so hot you could fry a sidewalk on an egg.
K- This hot weather is making my beer warm.
S- Is it hot enough for you?
K- Call the firefighters, because I'm so hot it's like I'm on fire.
S- My brain is melting.
K- I wish I hadn't worn a turtleneck today.
S- I don't smell good. Do you smell bad?
K- No, the weird thing about me is that I don't smell bad when I sweat.
S- Even in your armpits?
K- That has no correlation to the heat... It's like a sauna.
S- That's a cliche.
K- It's too hot to come up with anything but cliches.
S- My favourite thing in Mad Magazine was The Lighter Side of...
K- Yeah.
S- They would do something on heat. The teenager would walk in and the Dad would be in front of a fan with his feet in ice water and he'd say something. Like, "Hot enough for you?" And the teenager would say something about having to wear less clothes. And he'd be like, "Kids these days... Sluts."
K- Hmmm.
S- Imagine someone going to Las Vegas in this heat.
K- I'm going to Vegas next week.
S- That's assinine.
K- You know that book Chicken Soup for the Soul. I feel like my soul is made of boiling chicken soup.
S- You know that line from Rosie Perez in Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing: "Mookie, it's too hot to f***."
K- I've never seen Do the Right Thing.
S- I read that on a food blog this morning. It also said it's too hot to eat.
K- "Too hot to hoot" is a palidrome.
S- Too hot to trot.
K- Too hot to get shot.
S- Damn straight. It's too hot to bring tuna sandwiches on the bus, that’s for sure.
K- Maybe that's why I'm not feeling too well.
S- My friend keeps saying, "I don't want to complain, but it's really hot." I don't know why she keeps saying that. She does complain a lot.
K- I was invited to a pool party.
S- A public pool?
K- Yeah, it's one of those hipster events though, so ...
S- Yeah, but the kids were in it earlier. You know what that means.
K- That's why they put chlorine in.
S- It's as hot as the water Mel Gibson's standing in. Sugar tits.
K- Here's how Dan Rather would sign off a newscast tonight. "Good night, and it's hot."
S - How would Barbara Walters sign off? "Hewwo Fowks.... It's weewee howt." How would Tom Cruise say it's hot? "Oh yeah, I love hot! It's hot!"
K - Paris Hilton would say, "It's hot. No really."
S - No, she says, "That's hot." So she'd say, "That's hot, for real this time."
K - Jim Carrey in The Mask would say, "It's hot-time."
S - What does he really say?
K - "It's showtime!" Wait, maybe I'm thinking of something else. "Smokin'!" Oh, he says, "Smokin!" That works on a hot day with no changes.
S - How does a pirate say it's hot?
K - "Arrrrr, it be hot." This is kinda stupid. So, Sam. What do you sleep in when it's hot like this?
S - I have A/C so it's the same as always. A Santa suit. So Kelly, how do you beat the heat?
K- I drink lots of apple juice. And beer, but then I get dehydrated.
S - I put Coors Light on my Cheerios. That's stupid, I don’t really do that.
K - Okay.

**but seriously, folks, make sure not to leave your pets out in the heat!

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